Faye Cheadle

I don’t remember how I found this, but it’s a good article:

The Good Guy Contract

Here’s how the author defines it:

The Good Guy Contract was simple:  I would agree to be nice to you, to advise you, to sacrifice for you, to care about you—and in return you would agree to believe that I was wise, compassionate, excellent as a human being in every way, and finally and most importantly, you would like me.

It’s common in the  present culture to believe that altruism is a noble philosophy.  But what does it really mean?  That sacrificing yourself for others is moral and good.  Your entire morality and self-esteem (for how can you feel good about yourself without knowing that you’re moral?) is built upon other people.  I hear a lot of lip service paid to “doing something for yourself” so that you don’t go crazy, but more often, when you see a person or their actions held up on a pedestal, it’s because of their sacrifice.

You might go through life thinking that you’re doing things to make yourself happy, but I see so many people hung up and anxious about what other people think.  I have this problem myself.  It’s pretty easy to figure out what you want, and if no one else is around, it’s trivial to do exactly what you want to.  But it’s so rare that other people aren’t involved.  Ay, there’s the rub.  All of a sudden, there are these other pressures involved.  Well, I want to stay home and relax tonight, but I don’t want to disappoint so-and-so because of whatnot.  Then the anxiety comes.  I want to do something, but I don’t want to feel that someone is displeased with me.  Well, should you be making decisions because of what you want or because of what you don’t want?  That’s what I try to keep in mind.  The author is right, it does take practice.  You just have to bite the bullet and risk finding out that someone doesn’t like what you’re doing.  Most of the time it’s not so bad, and when you survive another’s disappointment one time, you gain more confidence for the next time.

So why are the opinions of others so insidious?  Because it feels so good to get praise.   However, praise is fleeting, and you can’t bring up old praise in your mind to make yourself feel better down the road.  You have to learn to feel good because of your accomplishments, otherwise you’re left constantly needing a praise fix.  You’ll surround yourself with people you don’t care about because they happen to be there.  Your relationships are built, not on values, but on whether or not the other person can give you your fix.  When your self-esteem comes from inside yourself, you can feel happy without anyone else around.  If you feel down, it’s easy to think of all of the good things that you’ve done.  Life seems so simple once you realize this and live your life for yourself.

Since I haven’t updated my blog in about a month, here’s what’s been happening for the past few weeks:

1. I finished my fiction writing class.  It was fun!  Some of the class members are trying to get a writing group started, so we’ll see how that goes.
2. Helped shoot for a couple of films.
3. Decided I like writing better than filmmaking.  More on that later.
4. Found out my dad wants to write a memoir.  Neat!  He has some really good stories about being a Chinese refuge in WWII and immigrating to the US.  Apparently he wanted to be a writer when he was young.  I guess now I know where I got my storytelling bug from :)
5. Got sick.  Boo!
6. Work…oooo…fun!

To expand on #3, I’ve decided that I don’t like working on a film set.  Granted, I’ve only tried it a few times with amateurs (both experienced and inexperienced), but I found it boring.  I didn’t feel any spark for it whatsoever.  The people were usually nice, and now at least I’ve tried it, so I don’t feel like it was a waste.  I was hoping that if I did something like directing or cinematography, I would be more excited.  However, that’s a really small part of the film.

Most of the time on the set was setting up a shot and moving the camera around.  So there’s a lot of waiting…and some more waiting…and then you do a scene for about a minute.  And then you do the scene again.  And again.  And then you set up the next shot.  This is alright if you get to wait around in a nice comfy chair and read.  But you’re mostly standing around all day.  Add in some cold and wind, and you have a pretty miserable day.  A pretty miserable day of waiting around.

Part of the reason I thought I’d like making movies is because it’s collaborative.  But that can be good and bad.  They make it look pretty cool on all the behind the scenes features on DVDs.  You see Akira Kurosawa hanging out with his friends, having tea, talking about the film they’re writing and just having a grand ol’ time.  That’s if you’re buddies with everyone.  What if you don’t gel with the crew?  What if they’re not as excited as you are?  It’s awkward.  You don’t have this wonderful, inspired feeling that comes from collaborating with other creative people, all while combining each of your best assets to create a work of art.  It just falls flat.  You’re trying to inspire a bunch of people who are bored or have motives other than creating art.

*sigh*

I could keep trying at this, but that’s what I did in college.  I liked something just fine, but I didn’t love it, and after “giving it one more shot” for 4 years, I hated it.  I was depressed and full of self-doubt.  What I do like is writing.  When I was in my writing classes, I was excited.   I had fun.  I liked thinking of stories.  So I’m going to focus on that.  Maybe I’ll come back to film at some point and maybe I won’t.  You have to follow what excites you and cut out the cruft.  And right now film is cruft for me.  I still love watching movies though, so look out for some film reviews soon :)

I’ve been going to a Boot Camp twice a week for a few weeks, and I finally feel like I’m progressing.  I haven’t lost any weight yet, but I feel like I’m getting stronger.  Today was the first day I was able to run up the hills we work out on without totally dying.  It was definitely hard, but I felt like I could handle it, whereas before, I had to stop and catch my breath.  I can also do more pushups.  Hooray!  The beginnings of arm strength!

When I’ve exercised like this in the past, it’s always taken a while for me to see results, so I’m hoping that now my weight will start going down :)  Especially since I’ve been waking up at 5:30am twice a week for the past month or so!

I used to hate doing homework when I was in school.  There were always more fun things to do like play Monkey Island or read really long ubernerd fantasy books late into the night.  And yes, I also did the “but I want to hang out with my boyfriend” thing in college.  Don’t look at me that way…he’s nice to hang out with.  I married him after all!  Anyways, I have homework again, and it’s been hard to break my procrastination habits, but I don’t have the anxiety and loathing for it that I used to.  Probably because I’m doing something I actually like this time (more on the “Faye Decides To Be a CS Major” problems later).

What kind of homework do I have?  Well, the first assignment is from Toastmasters.  I joined to become a better public speaker and improve my communications skills in general.  The reason being that I needed to practice this whole… talking thing.  Being shy, that was something that I always had a problem with.  There was even a moment in high school when I realized I was so awkward at verbally communicating that I just decided to talk less.  Good one, Faye :p

There’s a Toastmasters club at work, and they meet at lunchtime once a week, so it’s quite convenient.  It seems like a bit of a cheesy corporate thing to do, but the club I’m in is full of really fun people.  I liked the meetings, so I joined up a few weeks ago and now have to write my Icebreaker speech.  I’ll basically do what so many people love to do, and talk about myself.  The speech I have to come up with is to introduce myself to the rest of the club and to get me started down the road of practicing public speaking.

I’ve also been taking a fiction writing class.  It’s through The Writing Salon, a small writing school housed in a San Francisco loft.  I’ve taken classes with them before and really liked it.  I started these to get into the habit of writing more (that’s what this blog is for too) and to hone my wordsmithing skills.  I haven’t written very much since high school, so I thought this would be a good way to get back into it, and it’s been worth it so far.  Most classes have you free write every week, so it’s definitely a good workout for the right side of your brain.  My writing habits aren’t the best yet, but I feel like those are getting better as well.

The homework I have for this class is to eavesdrop on other people’s conversations, and try to figure out when they’re lying.  Someone is actually telling me to snoop on what other people are talking about!  The trouble is, I think I’m around too many honest people, because I haven’t been able to pick out any lies yet.  I guess I’ll just have to keep listening.

So I actually have homework that I want to do now.  The problem I had so often when I was in school was that I didn’t see the point.  Everything is given to you as something you’re just “supposed” to know, but the reasons why it’s important for your life are so vague.  Integrals are important because you can build bridges or…something.  History is important so we don’t repeat bad mistakes…and stuff.  This book is really important to read because people have been reading it for a long time.  Never anything like, it’s important for you to read this book as an inspiration for how to live your life or, you need to know about this period of time so that you can relate it to the principles of good and evil and human survival, later using this analysis to judge and be involved in current events.

So, to wrap up this somewhat rambling post, why are writing and speaking important to me right now?  I want to learn how to be a filmmaker, and so far I think that I may want to be a screenwriter or director.  The connection from screenwriter to writing classes is pretty easy.  But what about public speaking?  Well, if I want to be a filmmaker, I’ll have to be able to communicate my ideas, not only on paper, but amongst other people.  And possibly (if I’m successful enough), amongst many, many other people.  So Toastmasters seemed like a good place to start.

It’s funny that when you realize you’re in control of your own life and you know where you want to go, you start to make up your own assignments.  Attend writing classes and finish all assignments given.  Attend Toastmasters meetings and complete speeches in the Competent Communication booklet.  Sign up for Scary Cow and pick 2-3 films to work on in order to get experience on the set.  All of a sudden homework isn’t just drudgery being forced on you for arbitrary reasons, it’s how you become one of those exciting, fleshed out human beings.